Time Marches On

 As another summer comes to a close and the school year begins, I am reminded how fleeting the time with my children is. I sit here tonight writing the “secret” notes they know to expect on the first day of school and I’m filled with pride but also sadness. I am one of those weird moms that dreads sending her kids back to school. I miss them so much it hurts. I enjoy time off from them as any parent does but sending them out into a world I have no control over is just so hard. Will other kids be nice to my children? Will my children be nice to other kids when they know I can’t watch them? Will they remember to speak with respect and manners to the teachers and staff at their school? Have I taught them enough?! I hope I have but I guess you never really have that answer as a parent. You’re never done learning yourself so how could you ever be done leading your children? 18 years seemed like a lifetime when I was growing up but now I know it’s over in the quickest of flashes.

How will my children grow and change this year? Will I still be Matthew’s most favorite person now that middle school is here? We’ve had a pretty good run but I’m always waiting. Waiting for friends, girls, cars, sports etc to come along to replace me. I know it’s part of this whole parenting thing but it’s definitely one of the worst parts. Will Claire flourish this year? Will she make friends and discover how truly wonderful she is? Have I told her enough? Have I shown her how to love who she is or have I passed down my own insecurities? 

The new year is so full of possibilities for our children but the uncertainties are there, just out of sight. Have we done enough to prepare them for this next chapter of their lives? I certainly hope so. I pray so. I long for it to be so. Here’s hoping ❤️

Ants Marching

I raised her to be strong. I raised her to be independent. To have body autonomy. To speak out when it doesn’t feel right. To share her feelings no matter what. What was I thinking?!?

My sweet daughter has always been an old soul. Honestly, wise beyond her years in ways you can’t even imagine. She has hit every milestone in her 12 going on 13 years on this earth at an incredible pace. She is smarter than most kids I know. She has the emotional intelligence of a person twice her age. And I have always been so proud of that. So proud that she is an individual at the expense of the opinions around here. She knows who she is and what she likes. At TWELVE. 

I will never forget the memory of visiting my grandmother at the memory care unit where she lived when Claire first stood up for herself in a meaningful way to an adult outside of our family. There was a lady there who had forgotten the boundaries of strangers as people often do with Alzheimer’s and dementia. Claire still had her long beautiful hair. Hair that she has NEVER enjoyed having other people touch. This lady saw that hair and couldn’t resist. Came right up to Claire and started playing with her hair. At first Claire just moved away. The lady followed. Claire moved again and again the lady followed her. Finally, in the sweetest but boldest voice Claire said “please don’t touch my hair.” And that was that. I had never been more proud. Her body is hers alone and I taught her that and she lived it at that moment. One of my greatest parenting experiences. 

It’s been happening slowly yet all at once. We have always let our kids sleep with us if they wanted to. Even if it meant that Dustin and I split into different beds, each with a child. Usually Matthew with me and Claire with Dustin. People will say you shouldn’t. That it will cause attachment issues and blah blah blah. Bullshit. They are my children and I will love them however they choose to be loved. Always have and I always will. Although now it’s harder. 

It has been creeping in for a couple of

months now. Matthew would want to sleep with me but Claire no longer took that as an opportunity to sleep with Daddy. It hurt Dustin and I calmly explained that her body is changing and she’s getting older and we have to be okay with her new level of comfort. And then last night, she tucked ME in. I tried to get her to snuggle for a few minutes and the words she said broke me “I don’t really like that anymore.” Tears. Immediate tears. I tried to hide them but she saw and it upset her. I have taught her how to deal with every adult when it comes to her body and her level of comfort. I just forgot to teach myself how to deal with it when it was my turn. 

I went downstairs and had a good cry in the office to Dustin and then gathered myself back together and headed straight to her room. There she was, lying in bed. Sad. Not sad because she stood up for herself but sad that it hurt me. What?! I felt like the WORST mother in that moment. I said the only thing I knew to say; “Baby, I’m so proud of you for telling me how you feel. I’m sorry I handled it badly. You have every right to say what you want with your body. Please don’t be upset because of me. You keep telling me your truth. How I feel about you growing up is my problem and not yours. I am so proud of you. I love you.”  I hope it worked. I hope I haven’t shown her it’s not safe to be honest with me. 

I want her to be secure in herself and her feelings and she is. I am SO proud of that. I just didn’t know it would feel so heart breaking to be on the receiving end of all of those lessons. Now of course one of the first people I reached out to this morning was my mom. It wasn’t until later, after school drop off and when I was crying in my Dunkin’ that it hit me. I went straight to my mom. I feel there is hope there. Lady and I had some ROUGH years but she is my best friend and confidante now. Claire will come back, I know she will. The in between time is just going to be so hard for me. But only me. 

She has to feel my permission to grow up. I know that deeper than I have ever known anything in my life. Time marches on just like a colony of ants working towards a common goal. Claire and I are on a new journey. Not completely separately but not completely joined together. I have to learn to walk beside her in this journey and support her as she grows into the very woman I’ve been teaching her to be all these years. It’s just that these years have gone by in a flash. 

Instead of leading I must now follow her lead. Instead of mourning the past I know I have to embrace where our relationship is heading. I am not the first mother to feel pain at the changing tide with my children. I won’t be the last and I know I have another turn coming with Matthew. This is new territory that I will learn to navigate. I will lean on my own experiences as a teen. I will lean on my faith. I will lean on Dustin. And without a doubt, I know the daughter that I am and that I will lean on the most important woman in my 42 almost 43 years - my Mom. 

 Time

    I woke up still unable to breathe through my nose this morning and realized today would probably be another lost day. Not completely of course but my plan to restart the exercise program that has been bringing me a ton of joy this year will probably wait another day. Now, I took a covid test this past Wednesday that turned out to be negative but all the same, I started thinking about what all of this pandemic has cost me. 

    If you remember I had covid in the very beginning. I had it bad. I have told that story so I will not recount it here. Other people have had it worse and have lost their lives or the lives of people they love. Those losses are immeasurable. They are also not what I’m thinking about in terms of what I’ve lost, what so many people have lost, throughout this pandemic. What I’m thinking about specifically is time. 

    I have family here in town, my own family in my home of course, but there is also my mother, sister, and friends that I consider family. How much time have we lost with one another during this time of covid? When I first moved into an apartment in my 20s, my mom and I started having dinner together one night a week. Either her house or my apartment (usually her house honestly) we would gather together and just spend time. I was the last to leave the house and went back and forth several times before finally committing to an apartment and really moving out for good. These dinners gave us a time to be together and not lose touch with the close relationship we had developed in my early 20s when it was just the two of us living together at home.  Eventually, those dinners started to include my sister, then my husband, and then my children. What started as a simple weekly dinner has turned into a family event every Sunday night where we can gather together and reconnect as a family unit. Every Sunday night without fail we knew we had a standing date. My kids look forward to seeing their Mimi and Aunt Charlotte every week. We don’t get to see my sister nearly enough even though she’s just a 45-minute drive away but she works, we work, kids have school; you know, life gets in the way. Well, not on Sunday nights! I look forward to spending time with my mom and sister as well. We usually start out nicely enough but Charlotte and I? Oh, we start telling stories or jokes that get a little more off-colored than Mom would probably like but then the laughter. OH! The laughter that begins can hardly be described. There have been many a sad tear at that table over my lifetime but more often than not, the tears are from laughter and pure joy. I cherish that time with my family. 

    Then came covid. My mom has asthma and we were all very worried in the beginning that she would come in contact with covid and it would be bad. Like BAD bad. I still worry about her now of course but in the beginning, especially after I got so sick, she decided to basically cocoon herself at home and we totally agreed. NO CHANCES should be taken when it comes to your Momma. I still stand by that and even now, as omicron surges, I want her to be safe and home. Maybe not to the extreme that it was in the beginning but I want to keep her safe. I want to keep my sister safe. I want my kids and husband to be safe. But what has this cost us? Sunday night dinners started to become a weekly discussion. Sometimes we’d go but often…it just didn’t seem smart. Given the fact that I work in the hospital and sometimes care for covid patients in the Cath Lab, it didn’t seem wise to risk exposing my entire family. It was bad enough thinking I was carrying it home to Dustin and the kids, I certainly didn’t’ want to give it to my mom or sister!! And then just when we thought we’d get started again, BOOM another variant. Then another. Then another. 

    So what has this cost me personally? Time with my mother and sister. Precious time that we can’t regain. I miss having those nights at my mom’s house where we could talk and laugh but also work through our life stressors. We would talk about what was going on with us and each gives advice or opinions (whether anyone takes the advice or not is on them) but it kept us in tune with what was happening with the others. We often get so wrapped up in our own day-to-day that we lose sight of what the others closest to us are experiencing. Sunday night dinners were a way to bridge that gap. 

    For my kids, Sunday nights were full of people who love them unconditionally, and man that love is palpable. They miss it and I miss it for them. Mimi is the best cook in the family according to Matthew - and I’m not even mad about that! Mimi gives the best hugs, reads the best stories, and always seems to have a little something extra for the babies. Matthew and Claire have asked repeatedly when we will start these dinners again and I honestly don’t know what the answer is. We have done it a time or two and the thinking is we will again and probably would have BUT covid. Dustin tested positive right after our Thanksgiving trip to Disney. Charlotte tested positive right after Christmas. Claire tested positive this past Sunday and it goes on and on and on. Again, my test was negative but I’m only up to write this because whatever cold or virus this is, isn’t allowing me to sleep through the night. The point is, it’s Sunday morning. I can’t breathe through my nose and still have a cough. Nope, no dinner tonight. Family time lost.

    I also have family that doesn’t live right here. Dad and Treva live in NC right on the same street as even more of my family including my three adorable nieces whom I haven’t seen in person since this past summer. Dad and Treva have been able to come here a few times since covid began but more often than not when we make plans someone winds up sick. Maybe just a fever but you just never know what is causing that fever, or headache, or stomachache and who wants to chance giving anything to their Dad in his 70’s. Not me. We have had plans to go to NC several times to see not only Dad and Treva but the rest of our family that is there on that street as well. I don’t remember the last time we were there. Dad left to go to work in Hawaii as he does every few months and we had a plan to go see them before he left. Covid. How many trips have we ALL missed to see family and friends? More family time lost. 

    I love our church. I have a long and complicated history (filled with teen angst and adult stubbornness on my own part) with finding my own way to a church. A church where I felt accepted and truly a part of a church community. I have that in my Salem church family. My children have that in our Salem church family. My best friend and her family attend this church which is how Mom and I first started going there. Then Dustin and I really joined the church and made a consistent effort there when I was pregnant with Claire. We waxed and waned as people often do but over the last couple of years we started to become more and more involved. I love the youth program for Claire and the youth minister does an amazing job with these teens. The children’s ministry can’t be beaten and Matthew has learned and experienced so much thanks to them. Recently I joined the Sunday school class that was being led by my very friend that I followed into the church. It is a class of people my age with children around the ages of my children. It’s a community, a family of people experiencing life right alongside my own experiences. How many Sundays did we watch from the couch because one of us had an unknown cold of some kind? Then eventually we started attending the early service because it was being offered outside and we felt safe to go. And now, it’s back in full swing, albeit with masks. It felt good to be back in church. It felt nice to be back around our church family. Now here it is, Sunday morning. Claire is technically still quarantined and well, I already told you how I feel today. Time with my church family lost.

    Dustin and I have a pretty active circle of friends. We love game nights and dinners and keeping our kids out at friends' houses until all hours of the night (they usually sleep) while we catch up and just spend time together. Now those nights are fewer and fewer. Then when we do have a night the unexpected seems to happen. Just this past weekend we got together with one of our usual friend groups for a birthday dinner. It wasn’t a late night by any stretch but we spent a few hours together inside the home of one of the couples in our group. BOOM - the next morning Claire woke up not feeling well. Covid. Having to tell our friends that we unwittingly exposed all of them was not a text I enjoyed having to send. What is even worse is that one friend has been fighting what can only be described as an autoimmune sickness since June. Great. We exposed her to the ONE thing she has been trying to avoid. Luckily, so far she has remained covid free but I will think twice about hanging out as a group again and I am sure they will too. Time with friends lost.

    I mentioned earlier that I have been on a new exercise routine this year. It’s a new program that I am doing with Jennifer, my best friend mentioned above, and some other awesome ladies. It’s exciting, it’s invigorating, it’s for ME. The program has provided a schedule for me to follow and I like having structure. I LOVE that another of my best friends lives across the street from me and is always ready for a “slog” (slow jog) as we call it to knock out my cardio. Guess what we also do on those slogs? We talk, we laugh, we sometimes cry, we vent, and we heal. I cherish those times with Cassie. In those times we aren’t just moms and wives struggling to work and clean and raise kids and plan meals and wash clothes and and and. We are two women bonding together through sweat and miles. All of the other stuff is left at home and we are just out there as two individuals taking time for themselves. We planned to go today but now, after writing this is complete, my plan is Benadryl and probably a nap. More time with friends lost. 

    In addition to the cardio workouts, there are other workouts I do in my home on the program. Until this week I haven’t missed a single one! I may not have done them on the right days but I have done them gosh darn it! That time is just for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love that my kids are seeing me work so hard towards a healthier me. I love that they see me moving towards a personal goal I have set for myself but that is really a side effect and not the driving factor. This is for me. For my confidence, for my health, for my personal joy, just for me. Now due to this cold I have I’ve missed most of this week. And every day I miss is another hit to my consistency which for me really is key. Now instead of continuing on, it feels like hitting restart. It is frustrating and disappointing and angering and just all of the things. Time for myself lost.

    I could go on and on and on as you might expect and I am sure that many of you reading this could share similar stories and experiences as well. Time lost. Time we can’t get back. Time that will never be ours again. So this morning as I am thinking about what I’ve lost, what so many of us have lost, during this pandemic, I’m just thinking about time.

An open letter to the Governor of SC 

Your Honorable Sir,

As a wife, mother, nurse, and concerned citizen of South Carolina I am writing to you to ask for your help. We need to reduce our numbers here in SC. As I am sure you are aware, we are the third worst IN THE WORLD.  This can not stand. We need you, Sir, to be strong and take a stand against covid-19. YOU need to make the hard decision for a statewide stay at home order with a mandatory statewide mask requirement for visiting essential service locations such as grocery stores, gas stations, and healthcare facilities for one month. Just for one month. That should allow the number of cases in our state to decrease. Following the one month period of time, lift the stay at home order but continue to require masks. I know this will upset people (my own husband included) but we need to worry more about containment of the virus than feelings. 

We need a plan to prepare for schools to reopen by September at the latest. Schools are an essential service and should be treated as such. Split days or home/online options for those that want to stay home should be offered. It is a lot but if you start making decisions now, plans can begin to take shape. I support teachers and staff but our children NEED to be in school. Their very educational foundations are shaking and we need to return them to steady ground. 

We the people of SC need for you to stand up and make the hard choices. We need you to put our people before political affairs. You are an elected official that was chosen to serve this state and its citizens. I implore you to do whatever it takes to fulfill your mission to do just that. 

Respectfully,

Heather S. Tanner, RN

Time

People say it goes by in the blink of an eye. But you don’t believe them. Not really. Not until your baby girl who was toddling around the house in tiny pigtails and diapers YESTERDAY is entering her last year of elementary school. Not until your sweet boy falls asleep in your arms for the first time in MONTHS and you realize he hasn’t looked so small in years. 

Matthew tells me all of the time he will live with me forever and while part of me wishes that were so, I know this time of togetherness will pass away into memory. I still vividly remember crying in my room and my mom coming in to find out what was wrong.  I was so upset about having to move out and leave her one day (I think I was about right 8). She looked at me so lovingly and explained, as only a mother as amazing as mine could, that while I was certainly welcome to stay, there was a whole big world to explore. 

That is the true struggle of motherhood for me. Holding on while letting go. Holding on to the tender quiet moments the kids and I share reading a book or snuggling to watch a movie. Letting go and sending them down the street to play with friends. Holding on to the dreams I have for them but letting go to let them set their own paths. I know they are “only” 8 & 10 but it was just a single moment ago that they  were babies. I also know that I have a TON of moments ahead of me. Some sweet, some bittersweet. It’s the dichotomy present when parenting strong children. Holding on and letting go may possibly be the hardest challenge of my life. 

As another school year starts, I pray my children will grow and develop an even stronger sense of self while always knowing they have a safe place to land. 

Here’s to holding on while letting go. 

Have a great year Claire and Matthew!!

Love, Momma 

My Girl

To the one who made me “momma” on her 10^th birthday.

This birthday snuck up on me. Not that I didn’t know your birthday was the 7^th of June, but that you were going to turn 10 so quickly. Now you are double digits which you are very excited about and I am excited yet mournful about. You promised me today that no matter how old you get; you will always be my baby girl. Well, in a way that is both true and untrue. You see, when I look at you, I don’t just see you as you are today but rather how you’ve been every day since you’ve graced this earth with your extraordinary presence. You are 10 but you are also 9, and 6, and 3, and an infant. You are all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into the beautiful girl standing before me today. Watching you grow and discover who YOU are is one of the greatest adventures of my life and I thank God I get to be a part of your story.

 Let me tell you some of the amazing things I love about you: you are smart. I mean SO smart. It truly amazes me how easily your mind works to figure out the most complex tasks. This will take you so far in life and I cannot WAIT to see what you will accomplish; I know it will be grand. You are beautiful. Truly beautiful in that it is effortless and the fact that you have no idea that is true is part of what makes you so beautiful but also makes me a little sad. I want you to feel as beautiful as you are, but I know that the world will throw images and words and thoughts your way that will make it difficult for you to accept the truth of your beauty and grace. I promise to work hard to make you believe.  I love that you, like me, love the Beatles, Elvis, and Johnny Cash but can still sing right along to the radio in the car with Daddy as well. I adore that you love to read so much. This will also take you far in life. Your thirst for knowledge is unstoppable. You got a love for computers from your Dad and that is something the two of you will always share and will ALWAYS have in common no matter what age the two of you are. Your sense of humor came from me and I love that. We like the same corny jokes and you laugh just as heartily at my bad jokes as I do at some of your best. Kid you are amazing. You have the kindest heart of anyone that I know. Honestly. You love truer and deeper than most people are even capable of. This will be one of your greatest strengths and one of your greatest weaknesses. Don’t let people take advantage of your heart. They will try.

Somehow at only ten years old, you are older and wiser than many adults I know. Your ideas of how to make this world a better place are impressive to be sure. You say you want to run for president one day and I absolutely know that if you try, you will succeed. You also want to be an inventor, an engineer, and an entrepreneur. I have no doubt that you can do anything that is in your heart or mind to do. You are one of a kind and never afraid to be exactly who you are. Trust in that and don’t ever let someone try to mold you into anything but the best version of yourself.

I love you so much Claire. You are my champion for good, my biggest cheerleader when I’m questioning my ability to be the mom you deserve, the greatest big sister Matthew could ever hope to have, you are Daddy’s little girl, and without a doubt the best daughter and friend this Momma could ever pray for.

I love you Muffin and I just know the 10^th year will be your best so far.

Happy Birthday Baby – Love, Momma.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

To My Precious Boy as You Turn EIGHT

Gone are the days when I filled your whole world. Instead of after-school snuggles and movie time, it’s neighborhood boys and outside games.  It seems like this all changed so quickly when in reality you’ve been slowly changing right before my eyes for a long time now. Days that seemed to go on forever now seem like brief glimpses into a past that barely seems real. Where did that little boy go that longed for nothing but to spend time with me, whiling away the hours playing cars, or blocks, or reading books? Of course, we still do some of those things but now they look a bit different. When we read now, we partner read and they aren’t rhyming books but rather books about cars, firemen, nature, and even the titanic. You are becoming a young adolescent, full of your own ideas and notions about what the world around you should look like (even though many of your ideas are thankfully fully steeped in imagination and fantasy).

Watching you grow and learn is one of the greatest joys of my life. Our relationship is changing and even though I am wistful for what is gone, I’m excited for what is to come. Our conversations now are grander and wilder than ever before. Your mind is able to go to places and comprehend things I would never have imagined at your age. You are so curious about the world around you. You are kind but sometimes need a nudge in the right direction. You are soulful way beyond your years. When I started my new job and was nervous about meeting all new people you cheerfully reminded me that you changed schools and made friends and that I would too. You are simultaneously your sister’s greatest champion while remaining the one person who can push her buttons better than anyone else. The friendship you two have warms my soul and gives me hope about the future. I pray that your relationship extends far beyond the time I am able to experience it with you both.

You challenge me. You make me laugh. You bring me some of my highest highs and my most frustrating lows. You love so deeply and strongly that it is impossible for those you care for not to feel it. You miss people when you don’t see them, and you hold them tightly when you do. You are energetic and electrifying to be around. Your excitement builds up those around you and I am so thankful for that on my longest days.

To say that I am thankful for you and that I love you are not strong enough words to make you understand how I truly feel about you. You make me a better momma and a more patient person every day. You are learning how to navigate life and, it turns out, I am still learning that right along side you. This is the greatest journey I have ever been on and I’m just so glad I get to hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Happy Birthday Prince Matthew. I love you.

With all my heart,

Momma

We Are The Champions

Open letter to the teacher with morning car duty

I get it.  You are trying to keep the line moving and get all of our kids out of the cars and into the school safely and on time. Believe me when I say I appreciate all that you do for our precious cargo. I also get that one slow kid can throw that schedule off and can be frustrating and aggravating. I even get that it’s stressful for you because there are a line of cars behind my one minivan as it takes my son one to two minutes to get himself together and get out of the car. I get it because it’s frustrating, aggravating, and stressful for me too. The thing you don’t get, that I completely understand, is that this is not the first battle of wills I’ve fought today. From the time his wonderful feet hit the floor until the time his beautiful eyes close at night there are battles. He is strong willed, he is challenging, and yes he is frustrating. I navigate the difficult waters that are my head strong and sometimes deliberately defiant son for many hours a day. You sail that water for less than two minutes a morning on the days we happen to reach you on the car line. I even get that you probably don’t like that I’m not more forceful with him in that moment but let me tell you what I don’t like: I don’t like my son’s first interaction outside of our family in the morning to be with a teacher who is outwardly frustrated with him. I honestly didn’t even hear you speak to him this morning. What kind of day do you feel that sets him up for?  And this is not the first time we have met such a beginning to the day with you. I am sure you’re probably thinking that I should be more firm in that moment and you are probably even right.  I don’t fuss at him but instead ask him to get his stuff together and get out of the car to start his day. Then I always say “I love you” and “be awesome today” because encouraging my child at that moment is more important to me than your obvious frustration. I’m not asking for special treatment for my son, hell I KNOW how difficult he is. What I AM asking for is for you to be a kind face to begin his school day. The day neither he nor I actually want to start because despite all of his willfulness and all of the many battles I would rather keep him home safe with me away from a world that includes so many unknowns. In a day with so many obstacles ahead of every child, wouldn’t it be nice to start off with kindness?

Sincerely,

The Proud Mother of a Strong Willed Son

A Day In The Life

Some days you question everything : should I have seen this coming? Did I respond quickly enough? Would another nurse have caught this sooner? Did I do enough?  Does my patient’s family blame me for this situation which was indeed possible but not plausible? And those questions keep coming even though you know if another nurse asked those exact questions about themselves in the same exact situation you’d answer them with honesty and certainty that absolutely nobody would have done a single thing differently than they just did. 

Then the patient’s daughter and caregiver looks to you in the crowd of RNs, MDs, NPs, Xray techs, cardiac diagnostics folks and says “thank you for jumping into action so quickly.  I’m so thankful you were here” and all of those questions fade into the background and they are replaced with a new resolve. Critical care is like that; full of questions and unforeseen situations that you may not be expecting but are always ready for in the back of your mind. It helps when you have an amazing team with you. There are perfect storms and it is my belief that God places the right people alongside you in the eye of those storms. For me it was Rachel, Richard, Steven, and Helen as my fellow nurses coming in and out of the room assisting and bringing supplies and support. Missy as the nurse holding the rest of the unit together as we were short staffed and I was also the charge nurse that day and supposed to be the one holding it down. It was Dr. Leacock and Hilary (one of the greatest NPs on earth) leading the charge and getting us all through that seemingly endless shift of complications and varied treatments. It was our strong team of PSTs answering call lights and assisting our other patients which allowed the above team to focus where we really needed to focus. 

Some days you need to decompress with someone who was there and witnessed and understands the day you’ve just had because they experienced it with you. I thank God for my “work wife” who is so often that person for me.  I also thank God that my actual husband, while he may not fully understand the reason, accepts my need to do so and never gets angry with my “going out for dinner after work” texts even though I’ve already spent the day with my work family instead of my home family. 

Some days keep you up well into the night and wake you up restless in the morning and you just need to get it out and analyze the day and feelings involved. That is what this is, so if you’re reading, thank you for supporting this tired but thankful nurse. 

I Try to Say Goodbye

Sometimes it hits you when you least expect it. Sometimes you don't even realize when you are experiencing it that it's affecting you like it is. Sometimes it takes a young girl singing her heart out on a television show for her dying father to really bring it out and up to the surface and I can do nothing but sit and cry. It's hard, it's sad, and in the end, it's my honor. 
I believe that it truly is an honor to sit with a family as they make the choice to give up the fight for their loved one that can no longer fight on their own. You stand witness to the most gut wrenching time in the lives of people you didn't know existed  before their loved one came to the ICU.  You watch as the doctor talks and you can actually feel the hope fade as the reality of what they already knew sinks in. When the family looks to me, their nurse, and asks "do you see a chance for recovery?" they already know in their hearts what my answer will be but I can see them physically yet almost imperceptibly brace for the sound of the words they dread. 
It is these times that my job becomes sacred. I am not just a body coming in and out of a room titrating IV medications, drawing labs, emptying drains, monitoring vitals and intracranial pressure, and even turning loved ones from side to side.  In those moments I am still those things but I become more. I become a part of their history that can never be erased. When they think about the final days they had on earth with their precious loved ones - fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, or daughters- my presence will be there. My actions will be felt and remembered by those families long after their loved ones have left my care and I've had many patients in their place. I take that role very seriously and it tears at my very being as I know it does to my fellow nurses as well.  Yet I know there is no other place on this earth I would want to be.  To have the opportunity to provide comfort to the sick and the dying is an occasion that I don't take lightly. To witness a life leave this place for what I believe is a better place is truly a gift that I am lucky to receive. Not because I enjoy death but because that is the closest to true humanity I will ever see.  It is my job but it is so much more. 
I hope that I bring some measure of comfort and peace to families during this difficult time. I pray I can be a calm in the middle of their worst storm.  I can't take the pain of losing a loved one away from my patient's families. What I can do is offer them my heart and my hands and my physical acts of titrating IV medications, drawing labs, emptying drains, monitoring vitals and intracranial pressure, and even turning loved ones from side to side. And when the time comes I can give them my time and oftentimes my tears. It may sound strange but I embrace those moments just as I embrace the very mourners left behind. As nurses we don't only care for our patients but for their families as well. It is with them that the memory of our actions and words will always remain.

Born This Way OR The Problem with My Kids

I have two of the most wonderful children.  My daughter is 7 and my son will be 6 in a few weeks.  My daughter is a sweet, loving, and smart child.  I don't mean smart in a "she can answer all of my questions and have adult type conversations" kind of way even though that is entirely true.  No, she is smart in an incredibly emotional way.  She really gets that people have feelings and that those feelings should be protected.  She strives to include other children, including her younger brother, in all of her activities.  She wants to be sure that nobody feels left out.  As I said, she is only 7 years old but she has already figured out that Momma doesn't know everything.  I thought I had a few more years before she realized that I don't have life all figured out.  She is just so darn smart and already displays leadership qualities that tell me that she is destined to do big and admirable things in her life that far surpass my capabilities.

My darling girl is also extraordinarily kind.  If I'm having a bad day or if she happens to see a tear fall from my eye she has an uncanny ability to know exactly what to say to make me smile.  Often times it is simply to remind me that she loves me or that she thinks I'm the greatest Momma in the world - something I think all mommas would like to hear from their babies.  She is beautiful inside and out.

My girl is also a little weird.  Weird is not usually a word I think people use to describe their own children but there it is.  She is weird, but wonderfully weird.  She loves to use silly voices and make up songs that make absolutely no sense to anyone but herself.  The best part of her weirdness is that she truly enjoys it.  She can make herself laugh over a silly joke or song she has made up.  And what a laugh it is!  Her laugh is infectious and comes from the absolute center of her being.  She has an amazing imagination and it often surprises me when she tells me about the newest story she is creating in her head.  That little girl can have the most magnificent conversations with her stuffed animals and if I happen to catch a bit of their chats I honestly yearn to be a part of that inner circle.

My son.  My challenging, energetic, and warm-hearted son with his big blue eyes and his beautiful long blonde hair.  He forces me to be a better, more attentive mother.  He has the will of a lion and the determination of a grizzly bear looking for the next meal.  He lives life fully out loud.  He is strong and independent in a way that reminds me he won't always be my little boy.  That knowledge is simultaneously gratifying and soul-wrenching.

He is competitive.  With me for a mother that trait was bound to pop up in one of my children.  We love to play games together and whether it's board games on the carpet or basketball in the cul-de-sac he knows that if he ever beats me (which he sometimes does) it's that he truly has beaten me.  I don't let my kids win and while I'd like to say that is only for truly altruistic reasons about life lessons it's partly my own competitive spirit that drives my desire to make him work to beat me.  My hope is that his competitive spirit will eventually become the ambition he needs to become successful as an adult.  I want him to believe that he can achieve any goal he sets his mind to and works hard for.  

He too is sensitive.  He loves to climb in my lap and just be.  Some of the best times we have together are spent doing simply that.  Just taking the time to talk to one another about our days or something silly like who our favorite superhero is and why.  I find it impossible to fathom a better way to spend my time.  

So what is the problem?  First, there is my daughter.  She lives with her heart on the outside of her body.  She is easily broken and I have even found myself guilty of being the one who has hurt her which crushes my own heart.  A harsh word or admonition can stomp out the beautiful light that she emits.  Sometimes as a parent we have no choice but to discipline or correct our children's behavior but that doesn't make it any easier.  I'm not perfect but I make sure she knows that I love her beyond all measure. The problem is that the outside world doesn't feel the same way about her.  How do I teach her to be strong in the face of people who decide she isn't what they want her to be yet maintain that tender heart that welcomes all people to be a part of her little universe?  I tell her all of the time that she is special and that she is beautiful because that is truly what she is but I can already tell she doesn't fully believe me.  She is already doubting that she is good or smart or pretty enough and that destroys me.   

As for my boy, all of that strength and determination doesn't fully protect him either.  Take his hair for example.  It is long for a boy and yes he has been mistaken for a girl by someone who has only glanced at him.  But you know what?  He loves his long hair.  It makes him happy which in turn makes this Momma very happy.  I will admit that when I decided to let his hair grow long it was more for myself but he has decided he very much would like to keep it long.  We talk about cutting it, especially now that he is playing coach pitch baseball this season but we never quite bring ourselves to go through with it.  There are challenges with his hair and how to keep it out of his face.  We tried a ponytail for soccer last year and that worked great!  He looked so handsome and was so proud - right up until he wore it that way to school.  There were some older girls in the cafeteria and they laughed at his hair.  That was the last time he would wear it that way outside of our house.  It breaks my heart that he would let the opinions of some mean little girls change the way he chooses to look.  I have an internal struggle because I have a part of me that wants to force him to understand that it doesn't matter what other people think and that he is perfect in his way but I also comprehend that is not the way the world works.  What really amazes me is that it is not just a couple of mean girls that have affected him.  There are adults in his world that believe I should cut his hair to fit what they believe he should look like.  Trusted adults whom have made it no secret through their actions or comments that they don't approve.  In fact, when I was told of the girls in the cafeteria I was made to feel like it was my decision to let him have long hair that was the problem, not the actions of those mean spirited children.  How am I supposed to teach him that it is okay to be who he is and to ignore those that would disagree without hardening his heart against those detractors?  When did individuality become a liability?  

The real problem is that I want to teach my children to be, look, or create in any positive way that makes them feel fulfilled.  I also want to teach them to be strong in the face of opposition to the things that bring them that joy.  Please don't mistake me.  I agree that to be productive members of our society that some conformity must be maintained.  I am fully convinced it's not the job of the world to change to harbor the safety of my children's individual needs or dreams.  I don't believe in "safe spaces" for the protection of every little feeling or that society has a duty to protect the sensibilities of my children (although a little more thoughtfulness in the world would be great).  What I believe in is the ability to take a stand and say "this is who I am and it is enough."  My babies are already under so much pressure to fit in and to mold themselves to match what other people think they should be.  One of my biggest challenges in this life is to convince them not to do just that.  

There Goes My Baby

So here I sit struggling to focus on the journal article analysis I am writing about a research paper on whether or not nurses follow the best practice to administer intramuscular injections in the ventrogluteal site versus the dorsogluteal site (hard to believe I can't focus, right?) and all I can hear is my sweet girl singing in her bed.  I go into her room to tell her to stop being so loud because we will all be in trouble if she wakes up Matthew and I hear what she is singing.  It stopped me in my tracks because what I heard was "you missed me, you missed me, now you gotta kiss me!"  Now I am not worried about this song because of the demand for a kiss but what bothers me is that my baby is gone.  I mean she is still with me of course and I'll never stop calling her "Baby" but the sweet little toddler with no ideas about the outside world is gone.  I knew this would happen, I just didn't expect it so soon.  She apparently also knows the words to "Call me maybe" and Taylor Swift's new song that Claire calls "never get back together song."  How did this happen and where did my baby go?!?

Before you go all judge-y on me you should know she didn't learn any of the above from me.  We tend to listen to the oldies or kid Cd's or Claire's church Cd's while we are in the car together if we have music on at all. She has a friend at school, who will remain nameless, that must have an older sibling because Claire claims that is who is teaching her all of this stuff.  Who would've thought that there would be influences I don't like on my daughter at three years old?!?  Again, it's not the content necessarily that offends me so, it's reality slapping me in the face and yelling "Claire isn't a baby anymore!"  Well I refuse to accept that and if I don't accept it, it's not really happening, right?  Right.

Ah well, back to injections.

Don't Worry Baby

Worry.  It is such a simple little word yet it can be all consuming.  Before I had children I had worries but nothing like I have now.  Now I worry about the day to day things like whether or not they have fun at daycare (or school as we call it).  I worry about if I dressed them properly for the weather, does Matthew have enough diapers or do I need to go to the store, am I feeding them the right things, is Claire getting enough exercise, is Matthew getting enough stimulation, do they know how much they are loved and how special they are - and this is just the every day worries.  Then there are the big worries; how do I raise them to be Christians who will live the life Christ wants us all to live, how do I instill confidence and humility in them at the same time, will Claire meet and marry a man who will take care of her and treat her well, will Matthew grow up to be the type of man I would want my daughter to marry, will they go to good schools and become successful in their own right before they commit to another person's ideals, will they be happy and healthy adults - and the list goes on!  One of the biggest worries for me is how do I protect them and keep them safe and this worry was tested, granted on a small scale, but still tested this week.  Claire came home from school yesterday with a very red cheek and by bedtime it was swollen.  I asked her what happened and she told me that one of her friends at school pushed her down and made her cry.  At that moment, a little piece of my heart broke off.  Now I know this may sound dramatic but it truly did and then a moment later I contemplated taking down a three year old - that was a fleeting moment though.  What is so hard is the realization that I can't protect them from every little hurt along the way and I know that it is those experiences and our conversations about those experiences that will help teach them and shape them into the adults I dream they will become. 
With all of these worries it's hard to believe you can enjoy being a parent at all but that is the really magical part - everything else melts away when one of those babies snuggles me, or holds my hand, or sits in my lap to read a story or sing a song, or when my sweet little girl puts her hand on my cheek and says "I love you Momma" completely out of the blue.  It is during those wonderful and precious moments that I am so full of love and hope that even a mountain of worries can't compare to the pure joy of being Momma.

Take This Job and Shove It

That is exactly what my so-called nanny basically told us today.  She was perfect; energetic, smart, creative, had great references, was easy to talk to, and seemingly loved my children - at least that is what we thought.  She was scheduled to start Monday which was exactly two weeks after she said yes to the job and signed an agreement to work for our family.  Not so coincidentally, that is also two weeks after we gave our notice to our current day care - notice a theme with the timeline there.  Yeah, she said yes and I put our notice in at day care.  TODAY she sends an e-mail to my husband saying that regrettably she is not going to be able to accept the position that she already accepted two weeks ago!  Thanks a lot.  Anybody know any good nannies?!?

Pour Some Sugar on Me

My mom co-hosted a wedding shower this weekend and asked me to make the cupcakes for the party.  I have never made mini-cupcakes before so it was a little bit of trial and error but in the end they turned out great and Mom said they were a hit at the shower!! 

Fondant hearts with an "N" for the bride's new last initial

Up close mini

All boxed up and ready to go!

I hope they enjoyed eating them as much as I enjoyed making them!

Free Fallin'

Who knew running could be so bad for your health?  I think I mentioned that I am training for my first 1/2 marathon to take place in November and training was going well.  So, Lanaea and I met at the dam at 5am on Thursday to complete our 4 mile run for the day.  We had just finished crossing the dam and were running to our turn around when it happened.  It was dark and the pavement uneven and I just caught my toe right on a raised place and down I went.  I honestly don't remember exactly what happened but I do know I slammed down on my left shoulder and then slid down the pavement.  How do I know that?  The extreme pain in my shoulder that requires stabilization with a sling and this:

 Nice, huh?  I am hoping for a speedy recovery so I can get back out there and start training again!

Doctor, Doctor

Unfortunately, my sweet Claire Bear has to have a little surgery tomorrow.  She has what they are currently calling a hemangioma that must be removed.  Normally these go away on their own but upon further examination, they have determined the Claire's is vascularized so they must take it out.  I have complete confidence in our pediatric surgeon but I gotta tell you, anesthesia makes me nervous.  Keep my little girl in your prayers tomorrow.  We will be praying that everything goes well and the pathology report gives us the news we are hoping for.  Also, please pray for the doctor, nurses, and anesthesia team while they are working on my baby. I will try to update tomorrow.

I'm So Excited

I just can't tell you how excited I am to be officially done with Microbiology forever!  The first day of class began with our professor telling us that nobody makes an A in Micro, some people make B's.  Well, he was right, not a single person in our class made an A but I did make a B!  This may be the first time I have ever been this excited about a B.  My first official nursing class starts in about two weeks.  Let the games begin!

Sad Eyes

Really I have one sad eye and one happy eye.  See if you can spot the difference. 

Life is a Highway

Here is a list of some of the things I have learned so far since my return to running:

1. Every mile is different.
2. I may never be first, but some will never even start (new t-shirt idea?).
3. Running IS a social sport.
4. I actually miss running when I don't go.
5. I am my best motivator and my worst detractor.
6. Music helps.  A lot.
7. I need reflective gear.
8. You can get a contact high running in my neighborhood.
9. Running in the rain is awesome. 
10. Running in the lightning is not awesome.
11. Starting a run before the sun comes up really makes the rest of the day brighter.
12. Tis better to run than yell OR running can really improve my mood ;)
13. I need new running shoes.
14. If you try to run to meet the standards of others, you will always fail.  You must run for yourself.
15. Potato soup and running aren't the best companions.