As you got out of the car at school this morning it hit me. And I mean it was like a semi slammed directly into my soul. That was the last time I’d see you as a 12 year old.
Due to my schedule and today being your overnight with your Daddy, when I see you again, you will already be 13. I was flooded with emotions and the wildest questions raced through my head:
do you still get excited when you see fire trucks? Is being a fireman still your dream? Do you secretly wish we still read bedtime stories like I wish? Am I still your best friend as you used to tell me time and time again?
You used to tell me you’d live with me forever and then when you got old enough, I could live with you. I will never forget asking you one time “what if your wife doesn’t want me to live with you?” And then I distinctly remember trying to hide my laugh when you sternly responded “you’re my mom, she doesn’t have a choice!” Oh my sweet boy, conversations like that with you were etched directly onto my heart and I shall carry them with me always.
It’s funny how so many things are the same, only they aren’t. You still love to snuggle up on the couch while watching TV but now instead of hours of Paw Patrol it’s Iron Man or Top Gun or whatever crazy action movie you convinced me to watch. And instead of my lap, it’s you laying your long body out and resting a hand or an arm or a giant foot (!) on me as I squeeze my way onto the couch. You will even sometimes place them on my head if you’re feeling froggy.
Those sweet baby boy smells have been replaced by much more odiferous teenage boy scents. We used to be able to share a snack and now I have my own and you have three!
5 years. The first five you were in the world seemed to last forever while we were living them but looking back now they went by in a flash. How many times have I longed to go back, even if just for a day. I’d have more patience, I’d play trucks just a little bit longer, I’d laze around with you more and worry about the mess less!
5 years. That’s what I have left with you before officially sending you out into the world. Why does it seem like it will be tomorrow?
Friends, girls, and video games have replaced hot wheels, days at the park, and little boy dreams.
The little boy I held in my arms now looks down at me when we hug. I secretly love that but I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss those little arms reaching up to be swooped up in Momma hugs and kisses.
It has been one of the greatest joys of my life watching you become the incredibly handsome, funny, and smarter than your own good young man that stands before me now. I know there are obstacles and hard times that may still require a hug or words from Momma to make them better but I also know that you may not tell me about them so easily. You told me the other night that you read that the mother/son relationship is one of the strongest on earth. I certainly hope you feel that bc I know I do. I love you beyond measure and know that our relationship somehow remains the same even as it changes rapidly. It’s not something I can begin to understand but I just know that in my soul.
Matthew, you have changed my life and me as a person in ways you can never imagine. You have challenged my patience, my strength, and sometimes even my faith and through it all I have learned and grown so much. Every lesson I have learned from you has made me into the Mom I am today. You and your sister are truly THE greatest blessings and achievements of my life. I am so proud of you and I can’t wait to spend every minute I can soaking up your wit, your knowledge, your joys, and even your sorrows for as long as life lets me. Thank you for being my forever “baby boy.” Your love is the greatest gift you will ever give me and you don’t even realize it’s a gift at all. I love you My Macchew. For now and for always,
Momma
