Time

People say it goes by in the blink of an eye. But you don’t believe them. Not really. Not until your baby girl who was toddling around the house in tiny pigtails and diapers YESTERDAY is entering her last year of elementary school. Not until your sweet boy falls asleep in your arms for the first time in MONTHS and you realize he hasn’t looked so small in years. 

Matthew tells me all of the time he will live with me forever and while part of me wishes that were so, I know this time of togetherness will pass away into memory. I still vividly remember crying in my room and my mom coming in to find out what was wrong.  I was so upset about having to move out and leave her one day (I think I was about right 8). She looked at me so lovingly and explained, as only a mother as amazing as mine could, that while I was certainly welcome to stay, there was a whole big world to explore. 

That is the true struggle of motherhood for me. Holding on while letting go. Holding on to the tender quiet moments the kids and I share reading a book or snuggling to watch a movie. Letting go and sending them down the street to play with friends. Holding on to the dreams I have for them but letting go to let them set their own paths. I know they are “only” 8 & 10 but it was just a single moment ago that they  were babies. I also know that I have a TON of moments ahead of me. Some sweet, some bittersweet. It’s the dichotomy present when parenting strong children. Holding on and letting go may possibly be the hardest challenge of my life. 

As another school year starts, I pray my children will grow and develop an even stronger sense of self while always knowing they have a safe place to land. 

Here’s to holding on while letting go. 

Have a great year Claire and Matthew!!

Love, Momma 

My Girl

To the one who made me “momma” on her 10^th birthday.

This birthday snuck up on me. Not that I didn’t know your birthday was the 7^th of June, but that you were going to turn 10 so quickly. Now you are double digits which you are very excited about and I am excited yet mournful about. You promised me today that no matter how old you get; you will always be my baby girl. Well, in a way that is both true and untrue. You see, when I look at you, I don’t just see you as you are today but rather how you’ve been every day since you’ve graced this earth with your extraordinary presence. You are 10 but you are also 9, and 6, and 3, and an infant. You are all of those wonderful memories wrapped up into the beautiful girl standing before me today. Watching you grow and discover who YOU are is one of the greatest adventures of my life and I thank God I get to be a part of your story.

 Let me tell you some of the amazing things I love about you: you are smart. I mean SO smart. It truly amazes me how easily your mind works to figure out the most complex tasks. This will take you so far in life and I cannot WAIT to see what you will accomplish; I know it will be grand. You are beautiful. Truly beautiful in that it is effortless and the fact that you have no idea that is true is part of what makes you so beautiful but also makes me a little sad. I want you to feel as beautiful as you are, but I know that the world will throw images and words and thoughts your way that will make it difficult for you to accept the truth of your beauty and grace. I promise to work hard to make you believe.  I love that you, like me, love the Beatles, Elvis, and Johnny Cash but can still sing right along to the radio in the car with Daddy as well. I adore that you love to read so much. This will also take you far in life. Your thirst for knowledge is unstoppable. You got a love for computers from your Dad and that is something the two of you will always share and will ALWAYS have in common no matter what age the two of you are. Your sense of humor came from me and I love that. We like the same corny jokes and you laugh just as heartily at my bad jokes as I do at some of your best. Kid you are amazing. You have the kindest heart of anyone that I know. Honestly. You love truer and deeper than most people are even capable of. This will be one of your greatest strengths and one of your greatest weaknesses. Don’t let people take advantage of your heart. They will try.

Somehow at only ten years old, you are older and wiser than many adults I know. Your ideas of how to make this world a better place are impressive to be sure. You say you want to run for president one day and I absolutely know that if you try, you will succeed. You also want to be an inventor, an engineer, and an entrepreneur. I have no doubt that you can do anything that is in your heart or mind to do. You are one of a kind and never afraid to be exactly who you are. Trust in that and don’t ever let someone try to mold you into anything but the best version of yourself.

I love you so much Claire. You are my champion for good, my biggest cheerleader when I’m questioning my ability to be the mom you deserve, the greatest big sister Matthew could ever hope to have, you are Daddy’s little girl, and without a doubt the best daughter and friend this Momma could ever pray for.

I love you Muffin and I just know the 10^th year will be your best so far.

Happy Birthday Baby – Love, Momma.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

To My Precious Boy as You Turn EIGHT

Gone are the days when I filled your whole world. Instead of after-school snuggles and movie time, it’s neighborhood boys and outside games.  It seems like this all changed so quickly when in reality you’ve been slowly changing right before my eyes for a long time now. Days that seemed to go on forever now seem like brief glimpses into a past that barely seems real. Where did that little boy go that longed for nothing but to spend time with me, whiling away the hours playing cars, or blocks, or reading books? Of course, we still do some of those things but now they look a bit different. When we read now, we partner read and they aren’t rhyming books but rather books about cars, firemen, nature, and even the titanic. You are becoming a young adolescent, full of your own ideas and notions about what the world around you should look like (even though many of your ideas are thankfully fully steeped in imagination and fantasy).

Watching you grow and learn is one of the greatest joys of my life. Our relationship is changing and even though I am wistful for what is gone, I’m excited for what is to come. Our conversations now are grander and wilder than ever before. Your mind is able to go to places and comprehend things I would never have imagined at your age. You are so curious about the world around you. You are kind but sometimes need a nudge in the right direction. You are soulful way beyond your years. When I started my new job and was nervous about meeting all new people you cheerfully reminded me that you changed schools and made friends and that I would too. You are simultaneously your sister’s greatest champion while remaining the one person who can push her buttons better than anyone else. The friendship you two have warms my soul and gives me hope about the future. I pray that your relationship extends far beyond the time I am able to experience it with you both.

You challenge me. You make me laugh. You bring me some of my highest highs and my most frustrating lows. You love so deeply and strongly that it is impossible for those you care for not to feel it. You miss people when you don’t see them, and you hold them tightly when you do. You are energetic and electrifying to be around. Your excitement builds up those around you and I am so thankful for that on my longest days.

To say that I am thankful for you and that I love you are not strong enough words to make you understand how I truly feel about you. You make me a better momma and a more patient person every day. You are learning how to navigate life and, it turns out, I am still learning that right along side you. This is the greatest journey I have ever been on and I’m just so glad I get to hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Happy Birthday Prince Matthew. I love you.

With all my heart,

Momma