I raised her to be strong. I raised her to be independent. To have body autonomy. To speak out when it doesn’t feel right. To share her feelings no matter what. What was I thinking?!?
My sweet daughter has always been an old soul. Honestly, wise beyond her years in ways you can’t even imagine. She has hit every milestone in her 12 going on 13 years on this earth at an incredible pace. She is smarter than most kids I know. She has the emotional intelligence of a person twice her age. And I have always been so proud of that. So proud that she is an individual at the expense of the opinions around here. She knows who she is and what she likes. At TWELVE.
I will never forget the memory of visiting my grandmother at the memory care unit where she lived when Claire first stood up for herself in a meaningful way to an adult outside of our family. There was a lady there who had forgotten the boundaries of strangers as people often do with Alzheimer’s and dementia. Claire still had her long beautiful hair. Hair that she has NEVER enjoyed having other people touch. This lady saw that hair and couldn’t resist. Came right up to Claire and started playing with her hair. At first Claire just moved away. The lady followed. Claire moved again and again the lady followed her. Finally, in the sweetest but boldest voice Claire said “please don’t touch my hair.” And that was that. I had never been more proud. Her body is hers alone and I taught her that and she lived it at that moment. One of my greatest parenting experiences.
It’s been happening slowly yet all at once. We have always let our kids sleep with us if they wanted to. Even if it meant that Dustin and I split into different beds, each with a child. Usually Matthew with me and Claire with Dustin. People will say you shouldn’t. That it will cause attachment issues and blah blah blah. Bullshit. They are my children and I will love them however they choose to be loved. Always have and I always will. Although now it’s harder.
It has been creeping in for a couple of
months now. Matthew would want to sleep with me but Claire no longer took that as an opportunity to sleep with Daddy. It hurt Dustin and I calmly explained that her body is changing and she’s getting older and we have to be okay with her new level of comfort. And then last night, she tucked ME in. I tried to get her to snuggle for a few minutes and the words she said broke me “I don’t really like that anymore.” Tears. Immediate tears. I tried to hide them but she saw and it upset her. I have taught her how to deal with every adult when it comes to her body and her level of comfort. I just forgot to teach myself how to deal with it when it was my turn.
I went downstairs and had a good cry in the office to Dustin and then gathered myself back together and headed straight to her room. There she was, lying in bed. Sad. Not sad because she stood up for herself but sad that it hurt me. What?! I felt like the WORST mother in that moment. I said the only thing I knew to say; “Baby, I’m so proud of you for telling me how you feel. I’m sorry I handled it badly. You have every right to say what you want with your body. Please don’t be upset because of me. You keep telling me your truth. How I feel about you growing up is my problem and not yours. I am so proud of you. I love you.” I hope it worked. I hope I haven’t shown her it’s not safe to be honest with me.
I want her to be secure in herself and her feelings and she is. I am SO proud of that. I just didn’t know it would feel so heart breaking to be on the receiving end of all of those lessons. Now of course one of the first people I reached out to this morning was my mom. It wasn’t until later, after school drop off and when I was crying in my Dunkin’ that it hit me. I went straight to my mom. I feel there is hope there. Lady and I had some ROUGH years but she is my best friend and confidante now. Claire will come back, I know she will. The in between time is just going to be so hard for me. But only me.
She has to feel my permission to grow up. I know that deeper than I have ever known anything in my life. Time marches on just like a colony of ants working towards a common goal. Claire and I are on a new journey. Not completely separately but not completely joined together. I have to learn to walk beside her in this journey and support her as she grows into the very woman I’ve been teaching her to be all these years. It’s just that these years have gone by in a flash.
Instead of leading I must now follow her lead. Instead of mourning the past I know I have to embrace where our relationship is heading. I am not the first mother to feel pain at the changing tide with my children. I won’t be the last and I know I have another turn coming with Matthew. This is new territory that I will learn to navigate. I will lean on my own experiences as a teen. I will lean on my faith. I will lean on Dustin. And without a doubt, I know the daughter that I am and that I will lean on the most important woman in my 42 almost 43 years - my Mom.
