Day Care

Those are suddenly the two ugliest words in the human language. Day care. In one week from tomorrow I will officially be a working mother. It's not a new job or anything I just have to go back from maternity leave. I never thought I'd feel this way. Before I ever even thought of having children I knew I didn't want to be one of those women that gives up their career for their children. Staying home was something that women from my mother's generation did. I have never in my life been more jealous of that generation. For all of my "women forward" thinking I can't get over the fact that I am taking the most precious thing in my life and handing her over to complete strangers to take care of 8 hours a day. That means that those people will spend more time with her over the next few years than I will. That thought makes me sick to my stomach. What if she utters her first words at day care? What if her first steps happen there? What if she doesn't understand where her mommy, who has been spending every moment for twelve weeks with her, went? How am I supposed to get anything accomplished at work while worrying about how she is doing?
People tell you things like "she'll be exposed to more learning opportunities there than she would at home with you" or "it'll be good for her to have other children to interact with" to try to make me feel okay about the situation. The funny thing is I have said those same things to other people to try to make them feel better and I really believed those very things to be true. The real truth is, no matter what my feelings are, I have to work. That is it plain and simple. I have to work. The question then becomes how do I come to terms with my situation and make the best of the time I have with her? Is quality really more important than quantity? I guess I'm on my way to finding that out like it or not.

30

I have been thirty for a week and a day now. I gotta tell you, it's not what I expected. I thought "30" meant being done. Done establishing myself. Done learning who I am. Done wondering what direction my life is going to go. Done. In some ways I guess I am done; I have a wonderful husband, a new baby girl, a good job with a boss I can actually say I respect and admire, a house, a church where I feel I belong and a great family and group of friends. Even in respect to those things I'm not even close to being done.
What I am learning at thirty is that my wonderful husband and I won't ever be done working to make our marriage better. I believe that work will continue our entire lives together. We certainly aren't done making a home for our daughter and we aren't even done having children. I know that I am not done developing my relationship with God and now realize that will be ever evolving. It's fair to assume my current boss will not be my last boss and the place I've worked for over five years may not be where I have my career. I am also not done learning to be a better daughter, sister and friend.
I thought there would be comfort in being done but now I know that the true comfort is that my life is always changing and there will always be more to do until my time on earth is truly done. That may sound like a lot of insight for a week and day but what can I say, I'm thirty.

Shots

I can remember when doing shots was a fun thing with a group of friends. As of yesterday, that memory is completely gone. Now the word has a much sadder meaning. It was my baby girl's two month check-up yesterday and she had to get three shots. I know that they all do fantastic things that are good for her and I know it was harder on me than on her, blah blah blah. Really, it was quite awful. The first shot she took like a champ with just a crazed wide eyed look, the second and third shots were another story. I have never in my life heard a scream like the two that came out of my tiny (11 1/4 lbs) daughter! It was like the whole world was coming to an end and she was the only one that knew it. How sad! She got over it pretty fast after I was able to pick her back up but it was still heart rendering. Luckily we are done with that until her 4 month visit. Poor baby.

In other news, our new bedroom furniture arrives this Thursday just in time for my birthday on Friday! I can't wait. I hope it all fits in our room okay, if not I may just bring the old shot definition back!

Presents

So my neighbor has been after to me to start blogging again. It seems my last post was in 2007 and I'm worried I won't remember why I started this in the first place. Well, my husband and I have a birthday present problem that has inspired me to start again. The problem is that when it comes to birthday presents we are like children. We can never wait until the actual birthday to give our presents to each other. For example, my birthday is next Friday but here I sit typing happily away on my new laptop! It's not just birthdays either, we are like this at every holiday or event. The best part is that we don't think there is anything wrong with this affliction but our family does. They think we have absolutely no will power. I say whatever works and this definitely works for me!